I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
