i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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