how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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