just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
