Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Less talking, more tequila
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
