someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
