Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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