I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it's like iHOP with fire
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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