Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
