Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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