I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
