Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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