I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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