I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
