She is in my trunk
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
