You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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