You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
