Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
