I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
