and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
