I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
