Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
