3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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