my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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