I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
