thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
