I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
