White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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