just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
