there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
