just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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