I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am naked and annoyed.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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