Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
