I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Let's get the cat blown out
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
