You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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