You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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