Where is the hickey?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
