9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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