that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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