I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
