I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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