Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
