i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
