im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
id be glad to
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
