Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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