How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
