She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
