She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
