I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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