so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
