Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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